Dating Your Wife

I was talking earlier with a friend about spending time with our wives, and spending time with God. Both are super important. Both come from the desire in our hearts. Both are appropriate because of the relationship we have with them. And ... both are sometimes difficult. So, men, I want to take a few posts (or maybe one if I have less to say than I think) and explore some of the beauty and complexity of spending time with the two most important people in our lives. Let's start with our wives ...

When was the last time you and your wife went out on a date? What was it like? Where did you go? Was it planned or a remix of that famous scene from Jungle Book ... "so whatcha wanna do? ... I dunno, whatcha wanna do?" Just how much thought should go into something like this? If you have kids this subject may be of particular interest. Before kids you didn't really date, you just lived ... it was one huge date. Just the two of you, pick up and go wherever whenever. Those of you with kids know how different it is now. And I'm here to state clearly - your dating life is super important, and requires thought.

So here are some practical thoughts for dating your wife ...

1. Only date her. (simple, but critical)

2. Think through your dates... what do you need? Are the two of you feeling busy? stressed? disconnected? tired? romantic? Guys, another dinner-and-a-movie night might not cut it. So, think about where you are, and what sort of date might be needed in your relationship at the time.

Sometimes you just need some time with just the two of you, to think straight, and actually plan further than the next day. You may need to talk about some important life stuff ... future plans, big life decisions on the horizon. If so, those things may preoccupy both of you while you're trying to have a date. It may be wise to plan to discuss these things for the first half of your date. So bring this idea up to your wife, and decide together how much time the heavy conversation should occupy, and then relax for the rest of it.

Are you feeling disconnected due to busyness, the mundane, or big life transition (ahem, baby)? You may want to intentionally not talk about the big thing (or tiny little thing, like 8lbs 3 oz) that's got you both feeling so stressed, and instead find ways to just share your heart with each other. Fellas, this will take some forethought. Have you ever genuinely wanted to offer this kind of heart connection to your wife but the best you can come up with at the moment is ... "so, how are you?" Write out some good discussion starting questions, google em if you have to, have a plan for how to get the two of you talking about things other than life routine. Here's a fun one ... what embarrassing styles did you rock in middle school and high school? Could bring some good laughs. Laughing is healthy. Here's an interesting one ... what jobs did you have in high school and college and what did you learn from them? You may find that questions like these not only have the potential to bring some much needed laughter, but can often spin off into other meaningful conversations as well. (she says she learned to be patient at one of her jobs ... you say "that's one of the things I really love about you" ... please don't miss that cue. It's a soft ball.) And by the way, don't try to hide the fact that you thought through, researched, and wrote out some questions. Nothing wrong with being intentional and prepared. Also nothing wrong with letting her know that you're going to do that.

Have you been in the middle of a busy season, and you feel connected, but just sort of emotionally taxed? Here's where your movie night might come in. Dinner and a movie, or sometimes, just a movie, is not a bad date. But it probably shouldn't be every date. In this particular scenario it may just be what's needed ... go see something funny. Let her pick. If she doesn't know, have 3 in mind and have her choose one of those three, or at least eliminate one of those three. Sit close, laugh, hold hands, relax.

What if there are no major stresses or life planning to be done, but you're just in need of some romance? Here's where you can get creative. Tell her you want handle the kids-to-bed duties while she takes a hot bath (or if you only have one bathtub... while she puts her feet up and listens to soft music). Then set up some candles at your table, put on some light jazz, pull out a spread of cheeses, fruit, chocolate, wine (or sparkling grape juice, depending on your denomination ;) ... be prepared to tell her a few things you really appreciate about her, and how much you love her. Important note - you might want to be clear on the sexpectations for this night ... you may see this going one way (in fact I'm sure you do), and she may see it going a different way, like ... drifting off to sleep while you gently rub her back. It may be wise to determine ahead of time whether sex is in the plans for the night or not. I know that may feel like it reduces the romance, but her feeling like you had an agenda the whole time, or you feeling rejected - also not romantic.

Ok, so there were really only two points - 1. only date your wife, and 2. think through your date. But a lot of sub points under that second one. Think it through guys - I think your wife would feel honored by the thought you put into your next date. Let me know if you want some more discussion starter questions.