Friday, September 27, 2013

100 Wins.

From what I understand, earning 100 wins at one school is a significant feat. And if I think about it, it certainly is... but my situation is a little different. I'm used to winning... my dad is Coach Bob Christmas, and he's been winning football games for almost 4 decades. District Champs, Region Champs, State Champs ... done it all. Coach of the Year - several times. Broken records - yea, lots of those, especially at North Hall High School where Coach Christmas is in his 12th year.

I played for my Dad, and coached with my him as well, and I learned invaluable life lessons - hard work, loyalty, determination, intensity. I had no idea how much these experiences under his leadership would shape my values.  As much as I've enjoyed being part of winning football programs, I have seen how the value of solid coaching goes beyond Friday nights. The wins are great, but when the games end, life goes on. I loved winning while I played, but I'm still loving applying the values acquired playing for my Dad.

And I'm not the only one who feels that way. I remember a phone call I got when I was about 17 years old. The home phone rang (cause that's all that existed back then), and someone asked for Coach Christmas. He wasn't home, so I got to speak with one of his former players. He explained how much Coach Christmas had meant to him, how much he had taught him, how much he had inspired him. "Tell your Dad I'm doing real good man." These reconnections from former players were not uncommon.

Having 100 wins at one school is incredible, but it's about so much more than wins. Just ask the men who have played for Bob Christmas.

Congratulations Coach. I'm proud of you Dad.

Robby

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Dating Your Wife, Part II

(this post speaks very frankly about what is a sensitive topic to some... you've been warned.)

After sharing these thoughts with some friends and getting some feedback, I've decided to camp out on this topic for another post. Particularly concerning "sexpectations," and creative dating on a budget.

Two of my buddies pointed out how important it is to think correctly about the difference between how our wives tend to view sex, and how us guys tend to view it. It is usually very different. Here a few observations concerning the different ways men and women tend to view sex...
  • Men are turned on easily and often. Women are turned on ... sometimes.
  • Men are turned on visually (or if your wife accidentally touches your thigh as she walks by you) ... women seem to be turned on emotionally - when they feel loved, cared for, cherished. (and no, your new biceps from extra time at the gym are probably not gonna get her there... sorry)
  • For men sex leads to intimacy (even that's a stretch for some guys), for woman - intimacy leads to sex.
  • Men who are stressed can become de-stressed by hopping in the sac... women who are stressed become distressed by hopping in the sac. We like to do it to clear our heads ... they need to clear their heads before they can do it.
  • Women tend to measure frequency by times per month ... men - times today?
  • Women need time to prepare. Men need time to... unzip. That's about it.
So, what does this mean for us? It means we need to love our wives by putting their needs above our own, even in this area. That means I need to work toward making my wife feel cherished, in a way that she understands. I need to help her de-stress. If I put fort the effort to help her focus on relaxing and being able to prepare mentally so she can enjoy it, then she does. We think "prepare mentally" ?! what does that mean?... It means a lot to them. So ... giving her space to relax and decompress, taking on some more of the daily chores - kitchen, kids, etc ... not to bribe her (that's key), but to help her relax. This will give her some emotional and mental margin in which to prepare for being with you in a special way.

Another important factor that communicates intimacy - nonsexual touch. A quick shoulder rub, a long hug (try not to get a bo-... uh... become aroused), squeeze her hand, kiss her forehead ... and don't expect it to go anywhere! She should be able to enjoy the comfort of physical touch without the expectation of sex. This will make her feel cherished for who she is, not what she has to offer.

Additional thoughts from my buddy Keith ... "we need to all put down the IPads, tv remote, laptop, etc and just talk to each other.  How many nights do you sit beside your wife on the couch and decompress after the kids go to bed and never even talk to each other." Good word Keith. Guys, this is going to require you being intentional with your evenings. If you just do the default you're probably going to be plugged into some kind of device. Go against the grain, put it down. Look your wife in the eyes and ask how she's doing, really. And then listen, really. If the weather's nice maybe sit on the patio, this may help eliminate distractions.

Overall, I think one of the keys is to remember that the goal is not simply to get her in bed, but to enjoy the intimacy that God designed us to experience with our wives, and in order to do this, we need to think about her, and put her first. So, if you've been taking your cues from Austin Powers ("in my country men come first and women come second... or sometimes not at all") ... stop.

We'll do creative dating on a budget next post. But here's your warning ... you're gonna have to think and plan. Don't be scared. You can do it.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Dating Your Wife

I was talking earlier with a friend about spending time with our wives, and spending time with God. Both are super important. Both come from the desire in our hearts. Both are appropriate because of the relationship we have with them. And ... both are sometimes difficult. So, men, I want to take a few posts (or maybe one if I have less to say than I think) and explore some of the beauty and complexity of spending time with the two most important people in our lives. Let's start with our wives ...

When was the last time you and your wife went out on a date? What was it like? Where did you go? Was it planned or a remix of that famous scene from Jungle Book ... "so whatcha wanna do? ... I dunno, whatcha wanna do?" Just how much thought should go into something like this? If you have kids this subject may be of particular interest. Before kids you didn't really date, you just lived ... it was one huge date. Just the two of you, pick up and go wherever whenever. Those of you with kids know how different it is now. And I'm here to state clearly - your dating life is super important, and requires thought.

So here are some practical thoughts for dating your wife ...

1. Only date her. (simple, but critical)

2. Think through your dates... what do you need? Are the two of you feeling busy? stressed? disconnected? tired? romantic? Guys, another dinner-and-a-movie night might not cut it. So, think about where you are, and what sort of date might be needed in your relationship at the time.

Sometimes you just need some time with just the two of you, to think straight, and actually plan further than the next day. You may need to talk about some important life stuff ... future plans, big life decisions on the horizon. If so, those things may preoccupy both of you while you're trying to have a date. It may be wise to plan to discuss these things for the first half of your date. So bring this idea up to your wife, and decide together how much time the heavy conversation should occupy, and then relax for the rest of it.

Are you feeling disconnected due to busyness, the mundane, or big life transition (ahem, baby)? You may want to intentionally not talk about the big thing (or tiny little thing, like 8lbs 3 oz) that's got you both feeling so stressed, and instead find ways to just share your heart with each other. Fellas, this will take some forethought. Have you ever genuinely wanted to offer this kind of heart connection to your wife but the best you can come up with at the moment is ... "so, how are you?" Write out some good discussion starting questions, google em if you have to, have a plan for how to get the two of you talking about things other than life routine. Here's a fun one ... what embarrassing styles did you rock in middle school and high school? Could bring some good laughs. Laughing is healthy. Here's an interesting one ... what jobs did you have in high school and college and what did you learn from them? You may find that questions like these not only have the potential to bring some much needed laughter, but can often spin off into other meaningful conversations as well. (she says she learned to be patient at one of her jobs ... you say "that's one of the things I really love about you" ... please don't miss that cue. It's a soft ball.) And by the way, don't try to hide the fact that you thought through, researched, and wrote out some questions. Nothing wrong with being intentional and prepared. Also nothing wrong with letting her know that you're going to do that.

Have you been in the middle of a busy season, and you feel connected, but just sort of emotionally taxed? Here's where your movie night might come in. Dinner and a movie, or sometimes, just a movie, is not a bad date. But it probably shouldn't be every date. In this particular scenario it may just be what's needed ... go see something funny. Let her pick. If she doesn't know, have 3 in mind and have her choose one of those three, or at least eliminate one of those three. Sit close, laugh, hold hands, relax.

What if there are no major stresses or life planning to be done, but you're just in need of some romance? Here's where you can get creative. Tell her you want handle the kids-to-bed duties while she takes a hot bath (or if you only have one bathtub... while she puts her feet up and listens to soft music). Then set up some candles at your table, put on some light jazz, pull out a spread of cheeses, fruit, chocolate, wine (or sparkling grape juice, depending on your denomination ;) ... be prepared to tell her a few things you really appreciate about her, and how much you love her. Important note - you might want to be clear on the sexpectations for this night ... you may see this going one way (in fact I'm sure you do), and she may see it going a different way, like ... drifting off to sleep while you gently rub her back. It may be wise to determine ahead of time whether sex is in the plans for the night or not. I know that may feel like it reduces the romance, but her feeling like you had an agenda the whole time, or you feeling rejected - also not romantic.

Ok, so there were really only two points - 1. only date your wife, and 2. think through your date. But a lot of sub points under that second one. Think it through guys - I think your wife would feel honored by the thought you put into your next date. Let me know if you want some more discussion starter questions.

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Today.

Slept in a little, but still up and rolling around 7. Moving. Leaving this great house that we love, but trusting there's even greater things ahead. We brought Mary Grace home to this house, led our first community group together in this house, shared Christ with people in this house, had our first "let's love our neighbors by serving/feedig them" cookout at this house, we did a lot of updates in this house, we cried tears, laughed laughs, um... let's see... oh - wiped baby  butts, and basically, just, loved it here. Thank you God for this house. Our house on Grace St. I'll never forget it. How fitting.

I read some Oswald this morning ... he emphasized that service is not about pleasing people ultimately ... not mostly for their good. It must be generated by our love for God. I think I've been a little off base there. God designed me to really really love and care about people... but I get discouraged easily. I think I need to stay focused on God and His glory (while maintaining compassion for people) and serving and speaking truth for HIS glory.

We've really got a lot going on right now. Trying to pack up the whole house today (while taking a few breaks here and there to finish sermon prep for tomorrow!), got worship gathering, leadership lunch, and then 4 football games Sunday, get the truck and load everything up Monday, CG Monday night, close on Lincoln Tuesday morning, begin cleaning/painting, speak at RVA United Tuesday night, move everything in Wednesday, and then ... wait for it... go snow skiing Thursday. (not to mention I'm supposed to be writing an article for Steve Wright about church planting)

So here's this from 2 Cor. 4 (Msg) ...

So we’re not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace.