(this post speaks very frankly about what is a sensitive topic to some... you've been warned.)
After sharing these thoughts with some friends and getting some feedback, I've decided to camp out on this topic for another post. Particularly concerning "sexpectations," and creative dating on a budget.
Two of my buddies pointed out how important it is to think correctly about the difference between how our wives tend to view sex, and how us guys tend to view it. It is usually very different. Here a few observations concerning the different ways men and women tend to view sex...
- Men are turned on easily and often. Women are turned on ... sometimes.
- Men are turned on visually (or if your wife accidentally touches your thigh as she walks by you) ... women seem to be turned on emotionally - when they feel loved, cared for, cherished. (and no, your new biceps from extra time at the gym are probably not gonna get her there... sorry)
- For men sex leads to intimacy (even that's a stretch for some guys), for woman - intimacy leads to sex.
- Men who are stressed can become de-stressed by hopping in the sac... women who are stressed become distressed by hopping in the sac. We like to do it to clear our heads ... they need to clear their heads before they can do it.
- Women tend to measure frequency by times per month ... men - times today?
- Women need time to prepare. Men need time to... unzip. That's about it.
So, what does this mean for us? It means we need to love our wives by putting their needs above our own, even in this area. That means I need to work toward making my wife feel cherished, in a way that she understands. I need to help her de-stress. If I put fort the effort to help her focus on relaxing and being able to prepare mentally so she can enjoy it, then she does. We think "prepare mentally" ?! what does that mean?... It means a lot to them. So ... giving her space to relax and decompress, taking on some more of the daily chores - kitchen, kids, etc ... not to bribe her (that's key), but to help her relax. This will give her some emotional and mental margin in which to prepare for being with you in a special way.
Another important factor that communicates intimacy - nonsexual touch. A quick shoulder rub, a long hug (try not to get a bo-... uh... become aroused), squeeze her hand, kiss her forehead ... and don't expect it to go anywhere! She should be able to enjoy the comfort of physical touch without the expectation of sex. This will make her feel cherished for who she is, not what she has to offer.
Additional thoughts from my buddy Keith ... "we need to all put down the IPads, tv remote, laptop, etc and just talk to each other. How many nights do you sit beside your wife on the couch and decompress after the kids go to bed and never even talk to each other." Good word Keith. Guys, this is going to require you being intentional with your evenings. If you just do the default you're probably going to be plugged into some kind of device. Go against the grain, put it down. Look your wife in the eyes and ask how she's doing, really. And then listen, really. If the weather's nice maybe sit on the patio, this may help eliminate distractions.
Overall, I think one of the keys is to remember that the goal is not simply to get her in bed, but to enjoy the intimacy that God designed us to experience with our wives, and in order to do this, we need to think about her, and put her first. So, if you've been taking your cues from Austin Powers ("in my country men come first and women come second... or sometimes not at all") ... stop.
We'll do creative dating on a budget next post. But here's your warning ... you're gonna have to think and plan. Don't be scared. You can do it.
No comments:
Post a Comment